From: Walter Traprock <wetraprock@hotmail.com>

The Ferocious Amazonian Killer Skunk

Perhaps the most unpleasant animal in the whole of the Wonderful World. Can spot its victim from a distance of up to fifty miles, charge at a speed of seventy mph, apply its bottom to its victim's nose, and produce a lethal fart, to which there is no known antidote.

The animal can find you wherever you are, as it can read phone directories or even get in touch with your bank.

The "Montana" Boiling Tiger

Placed in a pan of boiling water for ten minutes, this tiger makes a delicious lunch snack. Garnish with sweet corn and dill cucumbers.

Bengali Bomber Ant

This extremely dangerous and unpredictable termite is capable of flying Lancaster Bombers, Spitfires, and even Sabre jets at speeds well in excess of Mach one. Indeed, such is its success at getting performances out of obsolete combat aircraft, far above their technical specifications, that an independent board of enquiry has been attached to the War Office to learn some of the Bomber Ant's secrets. At present, the main objective of the enquiry is to get near enough to the Ant's heavily defended strategic HQ to be able to make contact via the Red Cross or some independent body covered by the Geneva Convention.

The Limping Fish from South Dakota

The fish is only to be found in the dry, semiarid regions of Senator McGovern's
home state. Totally disinterested in politics, its strange, limping gait is the result of the long overland swim from the Atlantic, 1,500 miles away.

The Turkish Wall Goat

Unfortunately incontinent, the Turkish Wall Goat is a constant hazard on the streets of Ankara. Its ability to climb any vertical surface and remain there for many weeks on end has rendered some side streets virtually impassable. Perhaps the worst feature of this antisocial animal is its habit of shouting at
young women and making misleading statements about the present Turkish government.

The Lighter-than-Air Otter

This is one of the few dirigible otters in the Western Free World. A politically irresponsible animal, it produces a strange whooping noise when released, but refuses to see a doctor. The otter will keep in a refrigerator for up to five minutes, or two minutes in the ice compartment.

The Patagonian Bursting Rabbit

This extremely dangerous rodent eats up to six times its own weight in food, refuse, and old copies of The Watchtower. It then lies in wait for its prey, disguised as the comparatively harmless Patagonian Shoe-Cleaning Rat (see separate entry) and, upon contact with the victim's shoe, explodes with the force of twenty pounds of TNT, covering the victim in an unpleasant mixture of predigested food and evangelical magazines.

The Argentinian Leaping Cow and Badger

Distantly related to the Squatting Pig and Mongoose, this interesting animals is found only in Scotland and Fiji, and lives solely on a diet of ants and milk. During the leaping season, which lasts for four hours, thousands of these happy creatures get sucked into aircraft engines.

The California Thinking Lizard

There are few sights more unnerving in the whole of the Wonderful World than the sight of this lizard thinking. It thinks about everything: whether to get up, whether to walk backwards or forwards -- it even thinks about whether to stand still or not. Unfortunately, although it thinks so much, the lizard is incapable of coming to any decisions, and has to survive off tiny insects that crawl into into it's mouth and wonder down into its stomach. And, even then, many of them just walk out again.

The Patagonian Shoe-Cleaning Rat

Perhaps the most harmless and least offensive animal in existence. This rat lives by hiring itself out as a shoe brush. Once it goes bald, its career is at an end, and it has to rely on what it can make out of selling Patagonian Rat's Cheese (which, understandably, isn't very popular).
(* This animal really needs all the help it can get, so if you have any contributions, send them to:
Help the Patagonian
Shoe-Cleaning Rat Fund
c/o The Lubrication Bay
"El Diablo" Shell Garage
Buenos Aires

The West Bromley Fighting Haddock

An all too increasing phenomenon around West Bromley nowadays -- especially at closing time -- is this violent and abusive Fighting Haddock. It is usually found hanging round the door of the Public Bar ready to attack defenceless members of Parliament, vicars, and gaming-club owners. Its rough manners and disgusting language have made the Fighting Haddock feared throughout the Bromley area and the South-East.

--- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
* Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)